I’ve avoided writing about mystical shit here, mostly keeping it to my paper journal. I’m not afraid of looking crazy (I’m insane and proud) but there’s some lingering discomfort. Maybe that’s just what it feels like to dirty yourself down rabbit-holes.
It’s frustrating dealing with things that can’t be understood objectively. I’m used to being able to pretend I can understand something by reading about it from a distance. But here that won’t work. The Dungeon Master can give me a description, or a map drawn on coffee-stained graph paper. But it’s the collective imagination of everyone at the table that makes it real.
I’ve had to learn to trust my intuition. And accept that my experience and understanding of my astral body will be different from yours, without either of us being wrong. Which means I can’t just read about it in a book and get a solid picture of anything. I have to actually feel out my body and the energy flowing through it and around it.
I try to focus on that energy during meditation, but I struggle so hard to keep my mind clear for more than a few minutes. When I touch myself though, it becomes easier to focus on that sexual energy swirling around the pit of my stomach. My body doesn’t feel quite so foreign then, I can sense something that binds and mends all those disparate parts together.
Separating orgasm from release helped keep everything flowing in a steady current instead of building up and crashing, which on it’s own was a useful and pleasurable thing to do. It also helped me to get in touch with my feminine, which has helped strip off some of the distress I feel around my body. I don’t think I ever felt like I was anything other than a man, but there was this yearning to feel something else, something I felt incomplete without.
I feel like I have access to parts of me I only have metaphysically, if only for awhile at a time. I don’t know how far down I want to go here, so I’ll just say I’ve been feeling complete and that on it’s own is worth doing.
Second time trying to clear my mind today. First time, ironically, I was too relaxed. I’d burned off all of that anxious oil throughout the week, and I was just sitting alone in silence, more exhausted than relieved.
So I’m just going to lay here for awhile, with some music to drown out the ringing in my ears.
Usually when I’m in a tight enclosed space, I try to zone out. This time around, I thought I’d try to shock myself out of my shyness, and just take as much in as I could.
And it worked but…
I’m pretty sure my head’s going to explode. Which is probably a good sign. If you go jogging and don’t feel tired afterwords, all you’ve done is waste time. So I’m definitely happy with how things turn out.
I just hope showing up for class is easier. If it’s not, I can still probably make things work. It’d just suck to be this exhausted every time I get home. But then the whole point of flooding is that it lessons the anxiety overall right?
Classes start on the 4th. Am I really ready for this? I know more than anything I can’t wait anymore. Everyday doing nothing makes me want to explode. Even when I was wasting my life for other people, at least I was useful to somebody. Right now I’m just a fucking sponge. And if I don’t make this move now, I never will. It definitely will never be this easy.
Still, I waited for the last-minute. I still have time to register for classes, it’s just the logistics of getting there and back, together with meeting with an adviser and everything else.
I suppose I haven’t actually signed off on loans or paid anyone yet, so if shit really hits the fan I might be able to push things off till the spring.
except I’m not going to wait. And I’m not going to get anywhere just sitting around.
It’s sort of a difficult balance. I have past student loans that go out of deferment when I start again, unless I go full-time (which would also open up NY’s excelsior program for me) but… if I just jump into full-time I might burn out.
I’m not sure how many credits of mine are still good. I might not even have a whole full semester’s worth to do.
Am I worrying too much?
Is the best option to just go with it and see what happens, reacting to problems only as they present themselves?
Well… yeah. Easier fucking said than done.
It’s hard not to be attracted to the few men I like personally, which is always awkward. I’m not checking them out or anything, but I always worry they they can kind of tell, even subconsciously. And that’s not energy I want to give off. I don’t want to be a creep.
I don’t really feel comfortable having a sexuality. And a part of me misses having everything suppressed. It was more difficult, painful, boring. But at least I had control over myself.
Not too long ago I didn’t feel anything. I had comfort in that.
College is coming up, and this alien sense of anticipation is creeping up my guts like a rat in a maze. I just have to run to the bank tomorrow and deposit some money so I can pay the $20 application fee. It’s kind of a stroke of luck I have that 20 in the first place. It’s been one of those months you run out of everything at once, you know? I should have went out earlier, but it’s so fucking hot today, and it’s 10゜F cooler and way less humid if I wait.